Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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