just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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