your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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