OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize