My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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