Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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