Redeem this text for a blowjob
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
