Define "chronic" masturbator.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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