So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize