Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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