only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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