You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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