I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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