dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
