Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize