Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You are the jesus of drinking
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
