I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
