This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
