video games are the ultimate cock blocker
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
