six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize