Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I want you more than these girls want KFC
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
