In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
