My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
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