A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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