i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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