Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Randomize