You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
