After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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