Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
