I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
