Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
