The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize