..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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