i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
