he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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