going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
