I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
