HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
