I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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