she woke up with a sticky ear
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize