I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
