Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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