I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
