Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I need to calm my uterus...
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
