Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
