just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
