It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
It was confusing and full of hummus
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
