guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
