i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
