There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
