Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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