I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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