apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
