so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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