My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
