I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
