Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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