I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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